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redashton
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Country: Japan
Birthday: 1/11/1985
Interests: Drinking coffee. Listening to my fav bands and making music with my band...read, write, attending classes and so life goes on.
Occupation: Student
Message: message me
Member Since:
10/19/2003
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| i love you
and i can never find it in me to hate you
but you did break my heart
that is why i can only hate myself
this will not go away easily
it's not something i can just pull off and chuck away
as much as i want to say no to this and delude myself
you also know that I'd never force my way through
i didn't think i deserved this but that's just life
it was just stupid of me to have thought otherwise
i won't pretend to be calm and collected about it
yet i can never hate you or be angry at you
we could have been really good together
given another 11 months or so
because we never had the chance to see this through
and i'm don't like giving up before it starts
it's unfortunate to not give it a chance to grow
but maybe that's just me
maybe i've been deluded to think we'd actually make it
as if there isn't enough negative factors hovering about
i'm sorry you're unhappy about us
i'm sorry i never had enough to keep you happy
maybe that was my fault but you must know
i was never happy being here by myself
my calling you was a way for me to escape
unfortunate for me to find out that it wasn't the same for you
life will not be the same without you
but it is what you asked of me and i reluctantly grant it
i love you and though you may think you don't love any more
i hope you won't think less of me
because i won't be able to remember anything else.
i wished you fought harder
all this while you've always wondered what you want
what you'll get out of this relationship
i wonder if you noticed what i want
maybe i should've been more vocal
and not wait for someone to ask me what i want
if i could leave everything and be with you
i'd be there in a heartbeat
i went back so we could have a better future
i too took a leap of faith
otherwise i would've just stayed where i was
now i regret being here and wished i stayed instead
maybe we'd have 3 years together and one apart
i am truly gutted after so many years
been through so much to be together that we'd work it out
yet you opt to exit instead of working towards us being together
i thought we were on the same page
you said you were with me on this
i do feel very much abandoned and left for dead
it was not only phone calls and holidays
you said it was a thousand happy memories
you're right and i can say that not many have that
it's a thousand broken memories and dreams as well
i guess i'd better be quiet now
a dream, a dream my life for a dream
wouldn't shakespeare be proud
poets were wrong and this feeling is mere chemicals in my brain
i will go on killing time because god knows i'm living no more
can't be living when one is no longer alive.
red.
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| hello world...i'm sorry i don't feel so well today, in fact i haven't been well for while. i wish i can tell you what i normally do but i'm just not in the mood today. all i want to say is that i wish i have the fucking guts to cut my heart out. i really do, this physical jolt of pain in my chest is really making me ill. i cannot function the way i do, i want to live on but this condition is too much and it makes it really difficult for me to breathe properly. i don't know if it's just in my head or maybe it's an actual heart condition. i went for a check up and the doctor told me i was fine, under-exercised but fine nevertheless. he says its in my head. is it? can someone literally die of a broken heart? well, i am about to fine out. i'm trying to forget everything i've ever said before, it seems pointless now. i tire of the exhaustion with this heart malfunctioning, my lungs want to give up and my eyes are heavy. maybe it is useless, i have gone all out to war, here i am kneeling on the ground wounded and bleeding. so it is true then, this ugly duckling was never meant to fly. at least it didn't grow up to become an ugly duck, an abomination of some sort, treacherous and hideous. it will die an ugly duckling, along with it, all its dreams of flight and fantasies of a paradise beyond the blue skies. it will never grow wings to fly south for the winter, seems destined to suffer the bitter chill of frost. love....what love? all that's left is broken and shattered. the thought of something so pure and beautiful brings shame and humiliation to the ugly duckling. it burns into its skin and tears flesh from bone. it's a slow process. this dying thing. you always watch the blood drip, somewhere in between you lose consciousness and then before you know it, you black out. many times you don't come back. all you hear before the abyss consumes you is just the sound of your blood dripping, the the squishing of your veins bleeding out and the slow thump of your dying heart. you begin to breathe with you mouth and your lungs hurt as your heart can no longer deliver the oxygen to your brain, thus the oxygen fights to get into your already filled lungs.before long you just breathe your last breath. | | |
| it's been a month. i would love to say that things have been better, well they have been, up to a small point they have been better. i now wished that it was better than before or just as before but i guess it's never easy to get up and start from where we left off. i've been down since the start of the new year, i've lost my mojo and my focus. a disastrous route i have taken, i worry people around me and there's nothing i can do about it. i don't feel any better, my work doesn't improve either. if only i knew how i could fix this, if only i knew some magic words that would snap everything back into place. no such luck i'm afraid, we live in a very, very real world. harry potter would be rendered useless here. i need to know a lot of things, sometimes i don't think i want to know but it is the only way to move forward. i am a dreamer and i can live in dreams but i can't live in a stagnant world. no progress doesn't do it for me. she doesn't know what she wants still, i'm torn and confused in between. i do know what i want and it involves her, she's a part of it. i can't make her do anything, it's just not how things go. many people tell me i have a right, to demand and to ask for things i've never asked for before. damn right i do have that right, i also have a right to not use it. it's demeaning of a relationship to demand and to dominate. it's just tough sometimes, i know some things can't be rushed. i have certain parts of me that are ugly and it scares me. these sides haunt me and i'm sure it will haunt her or people who get close. i don't know why but that it is the only part of me that is unloveable and unpredictable. i cannot explain what it is, but a small part of me feels unworthy of love. i wouldn't be surprised if she'd find it difficult to love someone with such a side, in fact a part of me knew that no one would ever love that side of me. i am cursed to spend my days in solitude, somehow it makes sense now, on why is it that i believe so much in this thing called 'love'. i want to believe that someone would be able to love that part of me, which includes the full monty. i want to believe that part of me was worthy of some love if not at all. i wanted to believe that someone would see me as a whole not just the parts that are likeable. it's funny when i read all my journals that i've kept while i was with her. page after page of pure, unfiltered bliss. it seems like a cruel joke now. the idea that someone like her would love someone like me, i thought i had found my pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. guess not. i let myself believe in it so much, completely sold to this idea that i too could be happy. every woman i've ever loved before her had seen me nothing more than an entertainment of some sort. a sad and tired jester, a film gone bad.i thought it would be different this time. it certainly was different, those wonderful years we spent back and forth between yokohama and tokyo was utter bliss. i must admit, i'm not perfect. maybe by her standards, i'm nowhere near perfect. but she is perfect to me. she think me deluded when i called her the love of my life. am i? certainly not. she still is. how could i be deluded? all i see in her is nothing short of pure bliss and perfection. i wish she could see herself in my eyes. i'm not too sure i want to see myself through hers, i fear that i would drop dead. i don't think she thinks less of me, but i can't be the judge of that. call me a person of little self-esteem. it is true. i only appear fearless on the outside, people are usually clueless to how fragile i could be. i don't know what she wants. i don't know if she knows what she wants. i don't think she knows what i want either. more than anything, i want her. whatever it is in the future that i may come across, all i know is that i want her to be a part of it. she may fear commitment, i don't know. it doesn't help that all her mates break up after 3 or 5 years down the road. it's not fair. i know a lot of people who are still strong after 10 fucking years and a few of them are miles apart! it's not fucking fair! i love her, doesn't it count for anything?! all my years of spending time alone in misery seeing other couples mingle about is practically killing me and eating me from the inside out! in my mind, i picture us being together and spending time reading to each other or walking in art galleries. it makes me feel better but it doesn't stop reality from happening. i am very aware that we are miles apart. it hurts. it can't get any more simpler than this, it just motherfucking hurts! i am patient, maybe too patient for my own fucking good. i want the last laugh. i've been holding back my tears when people laugh at me, saying it never works. i've been swallowing my worries and my tears for so long, it seems like a fucking cruel joke that it nearly crumbled to the ground. i want her to tell me it's alright. i want her to comfort me and tell me 'we'll get the last laugh'. i want her to tell me not to worry, we'll make it through. most of all, i want her to tell me she loves me, i haven't heard that in a while. it saddens me, maybe i've said it so often those words have no meaning any more. yes, that was the sound of my heart breaking.we started this journey together and our boat is going round in circles because it's only paddling on one side. when will we both be able paddle it together and make it to the other side? land is something we both need to do.
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| i have no more tears to cry. i don't know what else i can do. i'm lost and confused. i have had doubts in the past as well, believe me there were moments when it was so unbearable i just wanted to die. i see a future, yes it is not guaranteed but i believe in it. i feel like i'm the only one struggling, the only one fighting. long distance calls were all my attempts to compensate for not being with you, all i wanted was to hear your voice. god knows i want to be there for you, be with you. i curse these chains that bind me and prevent me from being myself. it is true, i am a diminished version of myself. bound by the grips of reality but oddly enough, enlightened by the sound of your voice. you were the channel of escape for me, where i was free to be myself not fear anything that comes at me. i struggle to be better and as you can tell, i am half the person i used to be now. who am i to blame for this? surely not you for you had done no wrong but have your doubts. surely not i that have tried to stay focused and optimistic. surely it is the distance that there is to blame. our love is abstract you say, nothing but a shadow of its glorious past. indeed it was glorious,i have never felt so amazing in my life. if what we have now is truly abstract, why do you say that being together will not solve anything. just with what that is abstract, we've lasted for as long as we have;what more when we are together? my heart is not broken but it is definitely bruised. i know that i have been intense when it comes to love, for i have previously found no other more worthy of it. i say this because i know i am to blame for this passion that i have inside, this flame that refuses to burn out. i can only apologise if i was never what you had in mind. when i think of you, believe it or not i see fire and i see hope. i long to know what you see when you think of me, yet i am afraid of what you might say. do you see something worth looking at or something you dare not look at? i don't care. i really don't, because i just love you. whatever it is that you see, good or bad, better or worse, i still see the person i fell in love with when i look at you. the very thought of you brings tears to my eyes because i am not with you, the very sight of your belongings and gifts make my heart swell up like a balloon for what it represents. i nearly died when you struggled to answer if you loved me still. for that moment i regret having asked in the first place. a part of me did die earlier this evening. now i miss you even more than i did before. the only other thing i really wished for was you to open up to me completely. i know i have told you everything and anything that is going on in my mind, i've given you everything that i can give. i'm not saying you didn't but i know there is a part of you that you have kept from me. i know you but i don't know you at the same time. it scares me so that i'm so madly in love with you that i barely even know the other part of you. maybe i had been a replacement for what you didn't have before. maybe i did a bad job at it. now that you have me completely on my knees and every bit of will power that i have now is slightly crushed, i want you to know that i don't mind you crushing me to death. i sometimes wonder if your doubt were a result of either me or you not knowing what will become of our future career. maybe you not knowing what you really want to do, and me not knowing what how i can achieve what i want to do in life. i don't mean for this to be an upsetting sentence, but sometimes i cannot help but feel that you don't know what you want and our relationship suffers because of it. a minor part of me feels angry, that everything i've harboured has been demolished to the ground. yet again, it is probably standing through the test of time and fatigue. eleanor, i have said this before and i'll say it again...i have never loved anyone as much as i've loved you. i scare myself shiteless sometimes when i think of it. we've been through so much together and i know nothing is guaranteed but i want us to give it a shot. give our hopes a shot, give our dreams a chance to grow. it's highly conceptual i know but everything starts with a dream. every great idea and opportunity starts with a concept of what it is to be. i'm sorry if i haven't been optimistic recently but i still believe in it. you are the person i want to build a home and house a million cats with, the person i want to travel with through many different adventures, the person i want wake up with and go to bed with, the person i want to share a toothbrush with, the person i want to start a painting with, the person i want to tend a garden with, the person i want to grow old with, the person i want to share my hopes and dreams with. now that we're both having some time off, i am really going to think about what i've just said. i also really want you to think about what i've just said. we're good together, we are.
red.
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| I really wished the call came through. It just was not just anyone's call but yours. It is a small thing I know but it just felt odd. It did not hurt as I thought it would, it just felt numb. I guess maybe I'm just being sensitive or whinny about it, the again it feels right to be mad and hurt about it. Maybe I'm just over thinking again, how nobody digs a hole for me in the ground better than myself. I feel like I'm trying too hard, sometimes it feels like I'm the only one trying. It is a selfish thought, one that I am ashamed to admit that I had. It would have been nice if the call happened, it would have been a nice surprise. Well, I guess I am equally surprised that it didn't. A surprise is a surprise, regardless of how it makes you feel towards the end. I hate myself for being over sensitive, for thinking too much, for being selfish. Most of all, I hate myself for feeling this way. It was not a big deal, but why does it numb my nerves and kills my thoughts. The hole goes deeper and deeper. I reasoned that it was the workload and the distance that made everything go wrong. I blame them, most of all I blame myself. I could never blame you. I would rather take the bullet because it will only hurt me more to see you take the fall. I will take it all in because you are worth it. I just really had a shite week. No call in the world could make it feel better, except maybe yours. No one could make me feel any better, except your voice. I'm mad, really I am. I cannot believe how madly in love I am, it humbles me and brings me down to my bleeding knees. It fills me up and breaks me into pieces, yet in spite of it all I want to do it all over again. I cannot tell you this now because the timing is not right. We are too far apart and I honestly would rather hear about your day than to have to bitch about mine. I really do love you and I know that you love me too. I just wished we could be in the same place right now, where ever that may be. Destination does not matter, you matter more.
I've been called a fool more times than I can remember. I defend us to sceptics that claim to know how a relationship should be. It is a two way communication. Indeed it is. We communicate, the only difference is that I established it any way I can. It is not a deed that extends nobility but a deed that portrays nothing more than love and affection. Yes, hurt I can be at times. There are times I wished you would do the honours instead, but you show your love and affection in a different manner. In a manner that it only a secret between the two of us, which is how a relationship should be; between two people not amongst others who pry. Call me a fool when I proclaim my madness about you to the world. Blame me for all the hurt that I may have caused you. I would rather die in your place than to have you suffer in silence, I want to cry on your behalf so that you will shed no tears except one of joy. Let it be known that I will be a fool and hopeless one till the day I die, for there is nothing that I will not do for you even if it hurts me. Because you are worth it. Every last moment, is worth everything.
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